It’s no secret to those around me that my love life is as successful as Carnie Wilsons gastric bypass.
Where all my high school friends seemed to land their leading handsome, faithful and income generating men one year post graduation I was left languishing in the world of d grade movie set extras. My imdb filmography resembling the below:
1999 – Missing without a trace (the diary of a serial cheater)
2001 – The pursuit of Happiness (where optimism about his future actually substituted a full time job)
2003 – How High (do you intend on getting before we visit my family today?)
2007 – The fast and the furious (premature ejaculator with anger issues)
2009 – What lies beneath (a criminal record and massive child support liability)
2010 – Still Breathing (though it’s hard to tell because you’re so fucking boring)
So, with my romantic career in tatters on the poignantly empty bedroom floor – I decided to take the once avant-garde now just desperately lame approach of joining a dating site. At least, this way I can assess my suitors from afar I mused as I sat, hands poised at asdf jkl; now set out with the task of communicating my man registry in under 250 words.
Writers block.
Describe the man of my dreams in under 250 words? How bout I start with a mere five that seem to have eluded me for the past ten years, Funny, Faithful, Employed, Not ugly.
I feel my white flag being raised slowly above shoulder level. 3-4 billion men in this world, chances of romantic utopia zilch I lamented.
Being blessed with innate optimism I push on, disregarding any desire to protect my remaining self worth I type:
MUST BE ABLE TO MAKE ME LAUGH.
PREFERABLY EMPLOYED, RELATIVELY HANDSOME AND FAITHFUL ARE ALSO VERY IMPORTANT TOO.
Boom. Add airbrushed totally misleading photograph and I’m done.
Now all I have to do it sit back and wait for the barrage of eligible suitors to throw themselves at me.
Oh look – I have new mail.
ItalianStalion86: I have no problems sleeping with a woman your age. Hit me up so we can get down to bizness.
Honey badger applauds you ItalianStalion but I’d rather be pack raped by rabid wolves on the anniversary of my Fathers passing.
Moments later the little red mail flag blinks ominously at me again, appearing strangely like my hazards. Two messages. My popularity was unexpected.
Clive1980: lets bang
I respect his brash and minimal approach, so I respond similarly
Cardyff: Fuck Off.
Moving right along.
Blackhoney77: Hello Gorgeous, i like your sexy and gentle smile, when i look into your two eyes i see fire burn with love n passion
Well. I should really dissect this message prior to responding. Hes put a lot of thought into his message.
a. He gave gorgeous a capital letter and neglected a capital for the word I. This can only mean one thing. His grammar is terrible.
b. He assumes correctly I have two eyes. Points for his intuition.
c. When he peers into my optical orifices he sees a fire ablaze with love n passion, not love AND passion, love n passion, like r N b or chicken N ribs, such hauntingly beautiful metaphorical imagery. What a wordsmith.
Cardyff: Hello blackhoney77, 😦 you are in Nigera. Because we are so far apart I fear I will be unable to nurture this furnace of passion, I also do not wish to die of Aids.
Power down mac. Retrive spoon and Ice Cream. We’ve seen enough for a day.
badgerlymanner 